21/52

Evelyn: The shy girl at the party. Cautious of your steps, your words and your touch

Zalia: Possibly the most alert 9 week old that ever did live

20/52

Evelyn: Always curious, always inquisitive, always wanting to learn something new

Zalia: Sleep is so rare and such a fight that I try all different places and positions, here you are in your big cot for the very first time, sleeping soundly

Anonymous

Dear :),

Earlier this week you decided that you would let me know that I seem to whinge more about Motherhood than I do enjoy it. I have spent the week trying to absorb your comment. I have ranged from being upset, to being angry at you to being disappointed in myself. I have tried to leave that comment in the past and forget about it. But all week it has been eating away at me. Not because it was made by you, not because I disagree or agree, but because you sent me on a guilt trip.

I am not writing this post to explain myself to you. I am writing this post to explain it to myself. You sent me on a guilt trip because you made me question myself and my ability to be a Mother. You made me ask myself if I do enjoy it as much as I thought I did, because if I enjoyed it, surely it wouldn't bleed into my posts that I don't? After you left that little comment, I went back through my entire blog and read every single post, trying to determine where you made your conclusion from and I couldn't work it out. You told me that every post I write I am whinging. I don't read that. 

The day you left that comment just so happened to be the same day that I went back to my counsellor and asked her to assess me. I sat in her office and I cried to her, I told her about how unsettled Zalia has been. I told her that we were in hospital the night before because she was screaming for 6 hours straight, she had tears streaming down her face. She wouldn't feed, she wouldn't calm. She would do nothing but cry. I told her about how little sleep I am getting, how little rest I am getting. I told her about little support I have. That I don't have anyone I feelican call upon to take Evelyn for me. That I don't have a Mother who brings over cooked meals, or helps clean the house. I don't have the kind of family that you can lean on in a time of desperation.

I told her about how I am struggling to keep my head afloat and I told her that I think I am drowning. I asked her if she thinks I need help. Am I depressed? Am I falling into post natal depression? Is this what I am facing? 

I don't have depression, I am fortunate enough to not be facing that struggle. She assured me that every single feeling I am having is a natural side effect sleep deprivation. She told me it was natural to feel the way I am feeling, to be dealing with Zalia and her reflux, a toddler, all on your own without any sleep or family support would break anyone. She told me, she could see love and happiness in my eyes as I gazed into Zalia's eyes. She told me, she could see happiness. She said that to look at me, you would never know I was feeling so unsure of myself. 

After reading your comment, after spending the week thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that you cannot draw the conclusion you came to on the short snippets of writing that you have read. The thing about writing a blog is that you share bits and pieces of your life, moments. You don't always tell the whole story, there are sometimes parts you leave chose to leave out. You don't tell every story, you tell the ones that inspire you to write words down. The post that you left your comment on, I was not enjoying Motherhood in that moment. In that moment I was questioning wether I was fit enough to be able to be a Mother to my two beautiful children at this point in time. In that moment, I had two hours sleep in a 48 hour period. In that moment, I was not myself. You don't get to draw a conclusion on my entire Mothering journey on that one moment.

I do enjoy Motherhood, for the most part. But some of it is completely unenjoyable. Like yesterday when I had to scoop poo out of Zalia's nappy with a paddle stick and put it into a specimen jar so the Doctors can test it. I didn't enjoy that. Like watching Zalia scream and writhe in constant pain and not being able to do anything about it, I hate that. Like being projectile vomited on at 4:30 in the morning, so big and bad that it wet the entire side of my bed, that was not fun at all. 

Sitting in a paediatrician's office and reciting the last 8 weeks of our lives while Zalia screams and Evelyn throws herself on the ground in a tantrum. I was breaking out in a sweat. My tiredness was causing me to stutter and the Dr was just watching me fall apart in worry for my Daughter. That was no fun either. 

Trying to navigate my way through the shops with my two Daughters in a trolley. Zalia reclining in the baby seat and Evelyn clipped in next to her, screaming and trying to push Zalia out because she wanted the baby sit. Needing to be at the shops because the house was completely empty of any edible food. Zalia screaming and spitting up all over herself. Having all my fellow shoppers stopping and staring at me. Trying to get back to the car and having a group of elderly people stopping right in front of me and not be able to control my trolley around them. Having a young man offer me help and breaking down in tears at his kindness. That wasn't even slightly enjoyable. 

Motherhood is a rollercoaster, no one is expected to excel at it all the time. No one expects you to enjoy every moment of it. When some one is struggling, we should band together and support them, not accuse them and shame them. When they excel and succeed we should celebrate them. When they fall short and feel as though they have failed, then we should hold them up and help them move forward, not break them down.

Motherhood is a challenge. It is a blessing. It is a calling. Motherhood is the easiest and the hardest job that anyone will ever do in their life. It is sunshine and rainbows, and it is also grey skies and stormy nights. Like anything in life, like life itself, there are ups and downs. That, is the reality of Motherhood, that is my reality. You told me that you whinge about Motherhood too, but only to your close friends and family, not to anyone and everyone. I guess all I can say to that is, how lucky you are to have people you can whinge to. How lucky you are to not feel the loneliness that I feel when i realise that there are not many people in my life whom I can talk to about how I am coping. Not without them dismissing my struggles with a simple, we've all been there. How lucky you are. 

I love my Daughters, in a way I never knew existed. I love my Motherhood journey. I love the triumphs and I love the falls. Because it is all a lesson. Every day I am growing and changing and learning. I love this life, the struggles, the enjoyable moments. I do enjoy Motherhood and I enjoy being able to share my journey here with you and in the future, with my Daughters. This is a place of honesty, the pretty and ugly. 

So, Dear :), thank you for "letting me know" that I don't seem to be enjoying Motherhood. But I am well aware of the moments I don't enjoy it. Please do not shame me into feeling like I am failing at this gig. Because if I know anything, I know that I am not failing. I am giving my Daughters the best life I can give them and I am doing my best at all I do. 

That, my friend, is good enough for me.

Happy Mothers Day

I was reborn the day my first born Daughter was born. The day Evelyn came into my life, it became clear to me that I never really knew myself. I never had purpose. I was a lost soul, flippantly moving through life with no true direction. I was a young girl, lost at sea. But on that day, not only was a child born, a Mother was born, I was born.

Being Mum has changed me in ways I could never fully describe. It has given me true strength. It blessed me with courage and confidence. It created beliefs. It gave me direction. The day my first born Daughter was born, my life began. 

There is something about being Mum. It is a blessing, a privilege, a calling. It is something that you cannot understand, not until it becomes you. I never understood just how important this life would be to me, until I created these lives. 

These two little lives, these two little girls, my girls, are undoubtedly the most important, most special, part of me. I will spend my entire life trying to be for them, everything that they deserve. I will love them and cherish them. I will hold them and kiss them. I will teach them and learn from them. I am madly in love with these little souls, I am whole heartedly dedicated to them. 

I have just celebrated my third Mother's Day, my first as a Mother to two, and I have never felt so full of gratitude and love. I have two perfect little people, who chose me to be their Mother and for that, I will spend the rest of my life thanking them for giving me this blessing. For giving me the opportunity to know this kind of love, for giving me this kind of happiness.

I love you, darlings, my gifts, my treasures, my hearts

xx

19/52 The Mothers Day Edition

Evelyn: Happy Birthday Mumma!! One day, you will understand the difference between my birthday and Mothers day. But today, I love that you were just excited t celebrate with me.

Zalia: Our first Mothers Day together. I have been truly blessed to have you in my life. You grow and change every day, but today, you look so wise, so worldy, so knowing.

You are TWO months old

 You reached your two month milestone days ago, time is fleeting, I didn't even realise. So much has changed since you were one month, you have changed. The last month has felt like a lifetime. You were born a cranky baby and then you became happy and calm and peaceful. Only to revert back to your cranky baby ways, weeks later.

This last month has been heart breaking, for you and for me. You are in a world of pain and discomfort and there is no amount of attention, rocking, swaying and soothing that I can do to take that pain away for you. I hold you in my arms, day and day out and I watch you wiggle and squirm and cry. All that I can do is hold you and tell you that I am here for you. I cant help but to cry with you.

We don't sleep, you and I, yet we both so desperately want to. I can see exhaustion plastered over your face. Your eyes are swollen by tiredness, your cries are becoming weaker. You are fighting to sleep but your pain keeps you awake. I wish I could help you, darling girl. Please know that I do try, I try everything I can to bring you peace.

You are not enjoying your time here with us, I can see your body stricken with desperation. I am not enjoying watching you suffer. But I need you to know that this will soon pass, for both of us. That I love you, no matter the circumstances. And that I will see you through this, I will hold your hand and I will find an answer.

We have a paediatrician appointment on Monday and I will be fighting for you to be medicated for silent reflux. I pray that by this time next week you can find your calm again and that you can start enjoying this life. Because, Zalia, it really is a beautiful life, a beautiful world and I want you to smile while you are in it.

Regardless of your pain and unhappiness, you are growing well. You are beginning to really lose you new baby-ness and come into your own. You are beautiful, the most beautiful. You look just like your Sister did and that just makes me smile. My two perfect girls. She loves you so. And you love her right back. You are a baby with so much love in your eyes, the way you look at us, staring deep within our souls. I know that you know us, you have known us for longer than we know. 

I love you, Dear Zali Bear and I will love you til the end
xx

There is an elephant...

There is an elephant in the room. He follows me around where ever I go, lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce at any moment of weakness. I carry him with me, plastered all over my face, buried deep within my eyes, masking my emotions. He spills from me, he is in my words, my stuttering words, my inability to find my voice. He has become a new member of my family, a daily part of my life. There is an elephant in my room, welcome, dear friend, my sleep deprivation. 

My lack of sleep is taking over my life, my thoughts, my ability to be a Mother. It has become my obsession, the only thing I can think of. When I lay my head down at night, I wonder how long it will be before I am woken again. I find myself too scared to fall asleep, in fear of that feeling when you are woken before your time. The shakes, the nausea, the emotions. My elephant is haunting me and my dreams.

There is an elephant in my room, he sleeps within my baby. He follows her where ever she may go, lurking in her shadows, causing her pain and discomfort. She carries him with her, deep within her teeny body. He spills from her, in screams and tears. There is an elephant living with us. 

There is something about being this tired, it changes the way you see the world. It effects the way you view yourself and your life. There is something about the darkness of the night, emotions seem more raw, problems are larger than life, everything is darker in the dark of the night. 

I have a baby girl who was born a cranky baby. The first 48 hours of her life was full of screams and discomfort. She was irritable. Inconsolable. Then, we came home and she relaxed. She found her centre and we found our groove. We enjoyed each other, we enjoyed life. Until she became cranky again and she has been cranky ever since. 

I have a baby who refuses to sleep, who will not self settle, who will not settle with me. She screams, she arches, she throws up, she screams, she feeds and feeds and feeds. She is exhausted and she is exhausting me. I have a baby who needs some help, help from someone other than me. She will be seeing a Dr. next week and I pray that we will be able to find a resolution.

I have been doubting my ability. This elephant is clouding my days. One rolls into another, I am not sure where they begin or end. I am not sure if I am living up to my title of Mummy.

There is an elephant in the room and that elephant is me.

18/52

Evelyn - My doll faced beauty, you take my breath away

Zalia - You are the most wonderful view, grasping me in your wee little hand and sleeping soundly to the beat of my heart. How blessed I am